Deciding to Co-Parent instead of Fight

When a couple divorces, the partners’ old relationship ends.  But because both will continue to have individual relationships with the children they need to work towards a new cooperative relationship with each other.

While a new cooperative relationship is the goal in most families, there are some exceptions. In cases of abused, neglected, or deserted children, there is a need to protect the children from one of the parents. An alliance with the harmful parent is not in the best interest of the children.

In a situation where the parents work towards a cooperative constructive relationship, the children can and usually adjust to the divorce more quickly with fewer long-term problems.  The greater the cooperation between the parents, the better the adjustment for the children overall.

Being cooperative parents does not necessarily mean that parents are the best of friends.  They may not even like each other much, but they are able to cooperate and compromise for the sake of the children.  Even if they disagree over things like finances or child-rearing techniques, they manage to keep the conflicts under control and not involve the children in their differences.  Custody and visitation arrangements are formally set but remain flexible enough to meet the needs of the children and the parents.  Cooperative parents strive to share some of the decision making and child rearing tasks and participate in major life events. They understand and accept their responsibilities as parents and their priority is to do what is best for the children.  They will help each other in times of crisis.  This kind of co-parenting allows children to maintain a relationship with both parents, thus helping to reduce the stress of divorce on the children.

GUIDELINES FOR SUCCESSFUL POST-DIVORCE PARENTING

These guidelines can help create the successful parenting partnership that is so vital for children of divorce.  The intention is to establish a cooperative relationship for the purpose of raising healthy children. Ask yourself, which of the below points you need to work on with your children’s other parent.

  • Your mutual concern is your children. Make a decision to create a successful partnership for continuing to be parents despite the ending of the marriage.
  • Respect your children’s relationship with your child’s parent. Your children did not divorce either parent.  Encourage them to get over any feelings of estrangement from the other parent.

Ask your child’s parent to adopt these guidelines with you for working together as parents.  If your child’s parent refuses, use these guidelines yourself as much as possible.  Accept that you cannot control your child’s parent’s thoughts, feelings, behaviors.  You can only control your own.

  • Be businesslike with your former spouse. Test your own behavior by asking:  Was I businesslike?  Did I follow these guidelines: Did I keep the conversation limited to the children?
  • Measure your child’s parent’s behavior NOT by how you feel, but by the same standard: was his/her behavior businesslike?
  • Make appointments to talk about the children. Except for emergencies, call only during agreed upon times.  When calling ask if the time is convenient; if not, make a new appointment for a time that works.
  • Be polite. Do not use bad language or name-calling.  Do not discuss issues while under the influence of alcohol or other drugs.  If you feel yourself getting un-businesslike, stop and agree to talk at a later time.
  • Use “I” statements, not “you” statements.
  • Do not assume anything based on past experience. Give your ex the benefit of the doubt as to behavior, as you would a stranger. There may be new and current reasons for your child’s parent’s behavior, thoughts, feelings, and decisions.
  • Do not expect approval from your child’s parent. Have your personal and emotional needs fulfilled elsewhere and with others.
  • If you are able to say something positive about your child’s parent’s parenting, do not withhold it. Express appreciation, no matter how small, to contribute to the greater success of the parenting partnership.
  • Do not discuss matters not related to the children unless your partner agrees to do so. Respect your ex’s privacy; do not seek the details of his/her life.  Do not intrude on his/her territory.
  • Make all agreements clear and follow-up with written confirmation when possible (make your own written agreement). Be clear and complete in your communication; include time, place, whether the children will be fed or not, what clothes they need, etc. DO NOT ask the children to do your business; communicate with the other parent directly or through a neutral party (again not the children).  If unable to find a neutral party to exchange information, try written communications. Again this is a business working relationship, so keep that in mind when communicating and negotiating obstacles.
  • Before making decisions, consult your partner and the children so that the most workable decision can be made.
  • Don’t insist on what does not work. Be flexible; commit yourself as much as you are able to and experiment to see what does work.  Remember children’s needs change as they get older.
  • Accept that you cannot control your child’s parent’s thoughts, feelings, behaviors. You can only control your own.
  • Promote good will in the partnership. Think of the importance of your investment and expected returns.  The investment is what you will do for your children’s happiness and success in life.  The returns are comfort and security for your children, and the children knowing their parents care enough to work together for them. A good working relationship with your former spouse will help make a better life for you and your children.
  • Share information about the children so you both can appreciate and celebrate their unique characteristics.

 

*Article adapted from The Ohio State University August, 2007-3476 visit Ohio State University Extension’s website “Ohioline” at http:ohioline.osu.edu

Dear Mom and Dad, I’m just a kid, so please…

Dear Mom and Dad, I’m just a kid, so please…

Post these divorce rules on your refrigerator as a reminder of your commitment to care.  (Ask your child to let you know if you forget one of the rules. Thank your child when he or she does give you feedback, never reprimand your child.)

  1. Don’t talk badly about my other parent. –This makes me feel torn apart! it also makes me feel bad about myself!
  2. Don’t talk about my other parent’s friends or relatives. –Let me care for someone even if you don’t.
  3. Don’t talk about the divorce or other grown-up stuff. –This makes me feel sick. Please leave me out of it!
  4. Don’t talk about money or child support. –This makes me feel guilty or like I’m a possession instead of your kid.
  5. Don’t make me feel bad when I enjoy my time with my other parent. –This makes me afraid to tell you things.
  6. Don’t block my visits or prevent me from speaking to my other parent on the phone. –This makes me very upset.
  7. Don’t interrupt my time with my other parent by calling too much or by planning my activities during our time together.
  8. Don’t argue in front of me or on the phone when I can hear you! –This just turns by stomach inside out!
  9. Don’t ask me to spy, for you, when I am at my other parent’s home. –This makes me feel disloyal and dishonest.
  10. Don’t ask me to keep secrets from my other parent. –Secrets make me feel anxious.
  11. Don’t ask me questions about my other parent’s life or our time together. –This makes me uncomfortable. So just let me tell you.
  12. Don’t give me verbal messages to deliver to my other parent. –I end up feeling anxious about their reaction. So please just call them, leave them a message oat work, or put a note in the mail.
  13. Don’t send written messages with me or place them in my bag. –This makes me feel uncomfortable.
  14. Don’t blame my other parent for the divorce or for things that go wrong in your life. –This makes me feel terrible! I end up wanting to defend them from your attack. Sometimes it makes me feel sorry for you and that makes me want to protect you. I just want to be a kid, so please, please stop putting me in the middle.
  15. Don’t treat me like an adult. It causes way too much stress for me. –Please find someone else to talk with.
  16. Don’t ignore my other parent or sit on opposite sides of the room during my school or sports activities. –This makes me feel sad and embarrassed.  Please act like parents and be friendly, even if it just for me.
  17. Do let me take items to my other home as long as I can carry them back and forth. –Otherwise, it feels like you are treating me like a possession.
  18. Don’t use guilt to pressure me to love you more and do not ask me where I want to live.
  19. Do realize that I have two homes, not just one. –It doesn’t matter how much time I spend there.
  20. Do let me love both of you and see each of you as much as possible! Be flexible even when it is not part of our regular schedule.

Thanks, your loving Child.

Parental Commandments

Parenting commandments make for quality children. As a parent committed to raising quality children, thou shalt:

  1. Guard thy children in the home and on the street.
  2. Make thy home a sanctuary of love and devotion.
  3. Honor the teachers of thy children and teach thy children to honor them.
  4. Never condone the faults of thy children through a misguided sense of loyalty.
  5. Teach thy children respect for the law and keep them from the companionship of children who indicate disrespect for the law.
  6. Not lead thy children into temptation by providing them with the means thereof, to wit, too much money, a car, and adult privileges.
  7. Enforce decency in the dress of thy daughters and dignity in the dress of thy sons.
  8. Protect the morals of thy children from the indiscretions of youthful ardor and inexperience.
  9. Conduct thine own affairs in such a manner as to set an example worthy of imitation by thy children.
  10. Not permit thy children to bear arms except in the service of their country.

 

Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce

Children’s Bill of Rights in Divorce*

  1. The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn or possession.

  2. The right to get emotional support from both parents.

  3. The right to spend time with each parent.

  4. The right to avoid being caught in the middle.

  5. The right to avoid the painful games parents play to hurt each other.

  6. The right to love each parent, without feeling disloyal or guilty.

  7. The right to express feelings about the divorce, such as anger, sadness, or fear.

  8. The right to remain a child, without being asked to take on parental responsibilities.

  9. The right to know they didn’t cause the divorce.

  10. The right to the best financial support that can be provided by both parents.

*Adapted from a decision of the Wisconsin Supreme Court.

Source:  The Aging Institute of Beach Acres

Talking with kids about divorce the right way.

Talking with children about divorce isn’t easy by any measure, but it must be done and done properly to avoid making a traumatic situation worse. Making it clear that mom and dad are not getting back together is an important part of the discussion. However, it’s crucial that you avoid saying, ‘Mommy and Daddy don’t love one another anymore’ as a reason for the divorce. Your child needs to know that no matter what he or she will always be loved; suggesting that people are loved one day and unloved the next creates a fearful and anxious reality for your child that you don’t want.

 

 

 

 

Become a better Listener

4 Steps of Active Listening:

Stop-stop what you are doing and pay attention, this tells the speaker that you are focused on them and they are important.

Look-Make eye contact with speakers and face them directly.  Look for nonverbal cues (facial expressions and body language) that may tell you something about the speaker’s thoughts and feelings.

Listen-Listen to what the speaker is saying and pay special attention to their words, tone, and body language.  Realize that the speaker may be communicating several messages at the same time (some unspoken).

Respond-Respond in a way that tells the speaker you have not only been listening but that you have understood them as well.  Throughout the conversation, use eye contact, nods, “mm-hmmm’” smiles, or even a touch to confirm your attentiveness.   When he/she is finished speaking, reflect back what he/she has shared in order to reinforce your understanding of the situation.  Two communication strategies are: paraphrasing and asking questions to guide the speaker to their own solution.

 

4 Principles for Reflective Listening:

Establish an atmosphere of trust:  Let them know it is all right to talk with you

Look at (observe) What do you know about this individual’s background, experience, and temperament? Put yourself in the place of the other person; try to understand what the person is saying, not what you would be saying in the same situation.

Listen to them tell you their experience.  What is their perspective: How does he/she sound?  Listen closely for statements about feelings and for the feeling tone behind the statements; be patient and don’t push

Learn from the situation.  Develop your “best-educated guess” as to what might be going on.  Wonder about his/her feelings.  Identify your goals for the interaction and decide what response from you would best support those goals.  As you receive more information, modify your best guess and your response

Dealing with red flag responses of Children

All children from newborn to adulthood can respond negatively to the reality of divorce. As a parent, it’s important to recognize the red flags and help your child accordingly. Below is a handy reference for helping your children when they are in pain, withdrawn, struggling to cope, expressing dramatic changes, or …